he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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