I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
