It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Vodka?
Forever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
