I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
