So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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