I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
