dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
