i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
