just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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