I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
