Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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