i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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