Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
