You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
