Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God I need to hump something, right now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
