I just saw a hot homeless man
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
