Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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