Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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