My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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