he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
