As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
