Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
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