dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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