an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
