the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
