I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
