Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
