In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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