it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize