her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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