Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
