hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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