I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So squirting runs in the family.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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