My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
