youre lurking in front of me
look no pants
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
