Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize