He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
