if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
