Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
