yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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