dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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