i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
two words: eviction party
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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