I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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