Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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