I wanna passion pit in your ass
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
