How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
