Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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