I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize