New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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