Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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