Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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