Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
