i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
