Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
