Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
