His hands were made for my vagina.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sext me about skeletons
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize