i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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