Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
