If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
