my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
